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The Boomers

Ask Dr. Alan

Greetings and Salutations,
If you have issues or questions about life, love, happiness, and strudel, fear not fellow travelers! Just click "Add a Comment" below and leave your question. I will reply with advice that had helped countless persons over my 25 days in private practice.

(Dr. Alan O'Rugby is not a medical doctor and, as such, gives advice that is not intended to replace that of a licensed professional. Rather, it is intended to be at least mildly interesting. Dr. Alan has a Certificate of Attendance for a 3 hour seminar from the Duluth School of Animal Husbandry, and has legally changed his first name from Alan to Dr. Alan. He lives with his mother and his Great Dane.)

Hello my dear friends! Let's see what's in the mail bag today. Ah, here's one . . .

Dear Dr. Alan,
While I was on the Boomers’ site, my five year old daughter inadvertently saw a post from RON “THE REAL” DIEHL and his photo. She shrieked and told me his picture frightened her. After comforting and assuring her that he was probably a nice man, despite his penchant for torturing his detractors, I figured she would be alright. Well, Dr. Alan, she has been having recurring nightmares, seeing his image in her dreams. Could you please help?

Signed:

Afraid of things that go bump in the night

My dear "Afraid,"
Relax, it's quite normal for children to experience these kinds of anxieties. I , myself, as a child was gripped with fear after seeing a photo of Carol Channing. She'll eventually outgrow her fear of large men with lime green hair and no necks. In the meantime, whenever your child and you are anxious, just look at this:

There, don't you feel better already?

***

Afraid, lonely, desperate, rich and attractive? Dr. Alan O'Rugby is here for you.

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G_in_da_house

Lonesome in da 'Hood

Nov 29 2007, 11:24 PM EST by Dr_Alan_O'Rugby

Thread started: Nov 26 2007, 5:28 PM EST Watch

Yo, medicine man! Booyakasha! I is coming to you to aks you for the good word. I has three questiens for you:

1. I need a job. I have two choices. I could go to the Army. But the geezer said I would have to pee in a bottle. What kind of sick person would want my pee? What will he do wif it? My second job choice is bartender. I know from your profile you has esperience wif dis job. What if I takes the job and some geezer aks me to give him an "orgasm?" I would quit right there. Which job is the bestest one?

2. Where can I go in Altoona or Johnstown to meet nice girls? I went to the libery and they kept tellin' me shhh. I was very poplar with the girls back home.

3. Who should I vote for--Hillary or Osama Obama?

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RE: Lonesome in da 'Hood
By: Dr_Alan_O'Rugby, Nov 29 2007, 11:24 PM EST

My Dear "G,"
First, my good rapper, I think you would gain some street cred if you were to be arrested. I'm not suggesting you break the law or anything, but you could anger the police by, say, not paying parking tickets, letting your registration and license expire, burn an effigy of Chuck Norris in front of the police station, or get a job at Dunkin' Donuts and switch the regular and decaf. Also, take RON "THE REAL" DIEHL'S advice and use spellcheck on your computer.

Now to your questions: Which job is "bestest?" I think you should start an internet business like. I had a very successful business online several years ago. When people logged in to "givemeadollar.com" I would plead and beg for money. Believe it or not, I took in a whopping $37 the first year! Then,my despicable internet provider (AOL) asked me to "cease and desist." Those bastards! I'm suing them for restraint of trade. My lawyer, Sparky McFizzle is confident we'll win.

I find a lot of nice looking women at the hospital. It helps to get sick first, which gives you opportunities to meet foxy nurses to help restore a catheter that slips out. Yes, it's quite painful, but the results I've gotten is worth the pain.

Lastly, my fellow rhythmic rhymer, I'd split my vote among ALL the candidates. Vote for Rudy so comb-overs will become popular again. Vote for Huckabee because, how can you hate anyone named Huckabee? Vote for McCain since he's against waterboarding and probably all those other dumb aquatic sports, too. Vote for Hillary, so we can see her come out wearing leather and snapping a whip (Hot!). Vote for Kucinich because it would make the Secret Service's job easier (smaller target). But, absolutely do not forget to vote for RON "THE REAL" DIEHL, because, who's going to mess with HIM? Huh?

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Tony_from_Jersey

Your services

Oct 8 2007, 11:31 PM EDT by Dr_Alan_O'Rugby

Thread started: Oct 8 2007, 11:18 PM EDT Watch

Dr. Alan, I have a friend who lives in fear of men with lime-green hair and no necks. And this friend also has some degenerate Mick Jagger imitator hitting on his sister. All he wants is to get some respect around here! Don't you be putting this stuff on the website! I have some "associates" who would think I'm, I mean my friend, not fit to lead.

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MangoSalsa

Misunderstood!

Oct 4 2007, 8:17 PM EDT by Yohan-Man

Thread started: Sep 20 2007, 6:21 AM EDT Watch

Dr. Alan, I am sick and tired of people thinking that I must be some grunting, knuckle-dragging neanderthal. I'm an educated cultured modern man who likes tennis, shopping at Target, and Madonna videos.