(Dr. Alan O'Rugby is not a medical doctor and, as such, gives advice that is not intended to replace that of a licensed professional. Rather, it is intended to be at least mildly interesting. Dr. Alan has a Certificate of Attendance for a 3 hour seminar from the Duluth School of Taxidermy, and has legally changed his first name from Alan to Dr. Alan. He lives with his mother and his great dane.)

People search their entire lives for the answers that seem to elude them. After spending years in Tibet (village outside of Klondike, PA and pronounced "TIBBUT" by the locals) at the feet of the Deli Lama, who makes a terrific club sandwich, (not to be confused with the Dali Llama, or however he spells it) I have come up with, what I think to be, the answers to life’s mysteries, volume 1. Here are the questions that you’re probably asking yourself:


What will happen if Barack Obama wins the election?
Dogs and cats will live as one, the sun will shine 18 hours a day everywhere, and Sheetz will finally make a good tuna MTO.

What will happen if John McCain wins?
70 will become the new "50," Viagra will become the new One-a-Day, names like "Bertha" and "Agnes" will become popular again, and Sheetz will finally chase away those pesky teenage hoodlums for good.

Is there a cure for cancer, and is it deliberately being kept from us?
Yes and yes. It’s Scotch Whiskey. Even if they told us, not many of us could get past the taste, so it’s of no use.

Is there life after death?
Yes, but the waiting time varies. If you want to be reborn as someone rich and famous or with stature, like, say, the Pope, the waiting time is 1000 years. To be reborn as an average citizen, it’s 100 years. However, if you’re willing to come back as a rabbit, there is no wait. This is quite an attractive option since your days will consist of eating and mating.

How can you get a ketchup stain out of a white shirt or blouse?
Scissors.

Will Social Security run out of money?
No. The government will always find the money to pay the elderly. They have to. Everyone knows that old people will whine and whine until everyone around feels so exasperated and guilty and just gives in—anything to get them to shut the hell up!

Who really killed JFK?
JFK did. He had terrible eating habits that made his blood pressure go so high that it finally blew a hole in the back of his head, like when you blow up a balloon and it breaks.

Is Pro Wrestling fake?
No. These guys are actually hitting each other as hard as they can; they’re just so muscle-bound that their punches have very little force behind them.

If I practice for four hours a day on my guitar will I be able to play in a band as good as the Rolling Stones?
No. To be in a band comparable to the Stones, you would need to drink and smoke constantly, stay out all night, and only bathe when you’re not making public appearances. (Dick Swagger, you're on your way!)

Is there life outside of planet Earth and if so, have we ever been visited by these creatures?
Yes there is, and yes we have been visited. They don't feel particularly welcome and claimed that we were "bitter" and that we "cling to our guns and religion."

Can dogs think?
Yes they can. I have a great dane named Max, and one day he left his planner on the coffee table.

Is chicken soup actually a cure for the common cold?
Not a cure, but a prevention! People who eat a lot of chicken soup don't get colds. That's because they smell like chicken soup!

Will bin Laden attack us again?
I doubt it. Actually Osama is under attack himself. Not from U.S. troops, but beard lice. He has it bad. His ceremonial dress collar is really not a religious symbol. Rather, it is a custom-made flea and tick collar made for him by Dow Chemical in the United Arab Emirates. It was a gift from Dick Cheney, who wants bin Laden not to infect CIA agents when they waterboard him.